Happy vs Sad

Yesterday my Brother and Sister in law informed me they are expecting.........WOW what mixed emotions did i not have......'m barely over the shock of my dads news and then this.

Don't get me wrong i'm very happy for them and i know they would be the best parents any child can ask for.
They deserve it ...they have always supported me and been there for us and i want to do the same for them.

I'm bitter not for them falling pregnant so easily but bitter at life for letting me struggle and go through all this heartache for some reason unknown to me. I also want to do a test and see two stripes indicating its positive. I want to phone the family and suprize them with the news that we expecting. Instead i have the dreadful two weeks that will rob me of my sanity waiting for a test result to say yes the invitro worked or no it did not worked.

I'm so afraid that i will not be strong to survive the invitro the disappointing that goes with it. I'm bitter at what this is doing to my family .......my mom is suppose to be happy her first grandchild is on its way but instead she does not know how to feel because of my situation. I am in such a dark hole and i am pulling my family with me.

I don't want to rob my Brother and sister in law of this special and wonderful gift that they have received over my own bitterness towards life and towards God.

I just hope that they will understand that i might not be so active in there pregnancy then what i want to be.....but this is the only way i know how to protect  my heart against any more heartache.

I promise to try and be strong and not to show my hurt to them.....i want to rejoice in the happy time with them......i want to be there when they need me......but i don't know how.

If only i could see in the future and know that my time will come and that i will carry my bundle of joy very soon......then i would be able to let go of all this anger that is like a black liquid taking over every part of my body.

In the end i am only human and i can try my best.

Congratulation to my brother and sister in law my u have the best pregnancy ever.

I love u both deeply.

Getting over the shock!!!!

So since my last blog post allot has happened.

The good news is i have lost a a few kg so far and i am feeling healthy and energetic.

Not so so long ago we found out that i am getting a new half brother or sister.....witch just devastated me for so many reasons. My dad who is 53 and his fiance who is 49 is having a baby. I must admit that i took the news much better than i thought i would.....with that statement u can see that i did expect something like this to happen for certain  reasons i will not mention here...due to this being a public blog.

I first was crushed to think that i'm not even 30 and struggling so long to have a child of our own and there somebody that have children her childbearing years is over and she just goes and falls pregnant.
Why must life be so unfair.....well i'm trying to focus more on our up and coming cycle then on the hurt i feel now..........i think it will starting hurting more when she starts showing.....witch i think ill must just make my visits less to my fathers house.......to protect my own feelings.

Life is unfair and I need to accept it......

I went to our FS yesterday for a sonar.....ho i hate that magic wand lol.....and we saw i had a 7cm cyst...she put me on provera for 5 days to see if it clears up the cyst and then we gonna start our meds for our first ivf in January.  If the cysts does not clear up we gonna do a ovarian aspiration on Friday and yes it sound sore is i heard it is.......yikes.......but ill do anything.

On the up side i must say i have  family that support me so much that i know this will be a success  and that i will have my own lil baby very soon.

And we going on a nice vacation in December that will make me all relaxed for January.

So this is a Early MERRY XMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR to all.

I am saying a little prayer for every couple that battles infertility.........be strong u are not alone.

all my love

cecilia

MENTALLY DRAINED

Its amazing how i can feel happy and comfortable the one minute.......and mentally drained the next.

I know i hurt the people around me........they don't know where they stand with me...i know i have mastered the EVIL NASTY element in me to the extreme. Sorry does not always correct my mistakes.......i just hope that all who care would understand that i cant control how i feel and how i express it.

My sorry's are Sincere........thou it does not often looks like it.

So many issues to sort out and don't know where to start. Trying to take one day at a time, blocking out all that is negative in my life.

One thing i have learned is that when bad luck follows u ..........its hard to escape the grip it holds on u.
Trying to think positive thoughts is always not easy, when i'm a realist. I constantly are looking for the bad before i see the good............plans never work out...always expecting the worst. I am the master of overthinking.

How do i change my mind set.......how do i switch of something when i don't know where the switch is.

Is it because im turning 30 that i'm feeling so depressed....... because i feel like half a woman.......or because i know there is missing something in my life and i cant just fix it.

So many unanswered questions....so many doubts.

Y me Y do these things have to happen to me?
Am i being punished for something i did?
I'm i not worthy of being happy?
Am i expecting to much out of life?

Does the fairy tale ending really exist?

Does true love exist?

How do i close a book on a dream and live the life that was planned for me thou its not what i wanted.

Sometimes i wonder is it all worth this much pain.........

Time to try and live and not go so much into the dark place in my mind that is pulling me down over and over again.

I want to be happy......

MOVING THE INVITRO TO A LATER DATE-EARLY NEXT YEAR!!!!!!

Me and hubby had a chat and decided that we are both not financially and emotionly ready for the invitro.
We are under a lot of stress at work and don't want to start the invitro  as well as our relationship is not strong to handle all the stress that invitro brings. We are constantly in each others hair.

We decided to give us self three months to relax and not think about having a child of our own and just try and enjoy our self till the end of the year then we would have saved enough to do two invitros back to back.

Im in two mind about our this.......on the one side i am happy to just feel like a normal person having fun and not worried about when im ovulating waiting for a period that takes forever to come but come it does....the flicker of hope the anticipation and then the heartache at the end of the day having to hide my sadness not to show ppl how weak i really am and to stay strong.

In the other mind i feel so guilty for moving the invitro to a later date.....i want to be a mother so bad but just can't handle all the stress of the invitro now.

Being an infertile is really not for the weak people.

Im trying to relax and not fall into a depression that im so scared that i would not be able to get out off.

Im taking each day as it comes some days are good some days are bad and some days i just cant seem to find any hope or joy in my life.

Im trying to leave my mind blank of any baby related topics or visits to family and friend that is very children orientated, its not that i don't want to see them its more that i don't want to put on a fake smile and be happy while my heart is in pieces .People dont always consider what we are going through so why must i be the one that must pretend that all is jolly go happy. We don't want useless hints of what to do and what not to do.........for heavens sake we are at a  professional   infertility doctor.....what advise can u give us that would help us that she has not given us......We just gonna try to fill my self up with things and people that make me happy and helps me to forget where i am now at the moment in my life.

We are very grateful for our family and friends that understand our pain and sorrow and respect our time off ..........we have the utter most respect for u people and you all know who u are..........

Let me be where i am now i am in my own happy place....................................

TAKING A BREAK FROM MY ENDLESS WORRIED MIND

The whole of August i decided to take a break from ttc.........did not count my days did not went on to any infertility sites or even checked my ovulation microscope........i went completely cold turkey.

And i truly enjoyed the time of from ttc.......to think that we plan our life around this heartache.....i am so tired.

My family notice that i am a different person this month...and trying to explain to them how i feel or how i don't feel this month is very hard. How can i take a break from my dream of having a child of my own when i have always wanted it.

They don't know how exhausting it can be mentally.

i am at a better place now....i am relaxed and ready to start again.

I think every woman get to that stage in there life where they want to breath and not think of our infertility problems....i did not even wanted to talk about invitro or babies......i just wanted to feel like a whole person for one month in my life.


And  i want to stay at his happy place where i am now. I need to be stronger for the emotion roller coaster that awaits us when the invitro starts.

Why must life be so flippen difficult for some and easy for others......is it a kind of punishment for something i did wrong in my life...i don't know know.

SADNESS

This past Monday was my Granddad's funeral and it was so sad but beautiful at the same time. Honoring a man that was there for all my life being the rock of the family always smiling.

On my fathers side they are ten kids all in all and my moms side there was four but to passed away. It was so nice to see the family again, some i did not even recognized because i saw some of then twelfth years ago.

Even at the funeral i did not forget our ttc road that we are walking  because i was surrounded by family that was asking when are we starting our own family and cousins that have babies that are way younger then me.......i'm turning the big 30 this year and i cant say that i am looking forward to it. 30 and have never been even near pregnant.....i feel like half a person not complete in my own skin.

After the funeral we were saying goodbye to some om the family when one of my aunts was hugging me she whispered  into my ear " OUR FAMILY IS NOW ONE PERSON SHORT, ITS UP TO YOU TO FILL THAT SPACE WITH A BABY" i know that she was not trying to hurt me but to encourage me, but that words cut through my heart like a warm knife through butter.......every day i realize more and more how deep this longing for a child of our own scares run into my heart.

I am working towards our goal of starting our own family, i just need to be patient and trust in GOD that he has laid out my path for me long before i was even born.

Trust in God.

A SAD DAY TODAY!!!!

I am so very sad today because we lost our last Granddad today.
I know he was suffering and i know that he is pain free now safely in Gods paradise, but the sadness is still there and does not go away easy.

Granddad we will miss you dearly, thank you for always being there for us.

We Love you and may you rest in peace.

THE UPS AND DOWNS OF INFERTILITY!!!!!!!!!!

It's amazing to see how my moods change from happy to sad from hopeful to doubtful in a couple of minutes. One moment i would be hopeful and think that i must just relax and that our time will come and very soon i will look back at the time i spend crying and laugh about it. And then in a question of a couple om minutes i am doubtful again and the are thinking that we would never have a baby of our own.

I must really start to learn how to control my moods, im pushing the people that care about me away from me and i know it but sometimes i cant even help it.


My prayer for today.


God grant me the power to fight the demons that make me doubtful and trying to turn me away from you.
I know you will bless us with our own little baby when the time is right......Help me to have the patients to wait till the time is right and the will to carry on.


God make my marriage strong to survive the woes of going through infertility.


God keep us in your hand and walk with us this path.


Amen 

WHEN ALL THE HEARTACHE STARTED!!!!!!

This might sound weird but i knew from a young age that i would struggle to conceive. My mother reminded me the other day that i use to tell her that i will struggle to have a baby........i kinda forgot that i use to say that.....i think the inner me know something was wrong in my body.

Hubby never wanted kids.....to get him on board was a struggle it self,,,,.


In 2010 we decided to seek help after many failed attempts and getting hopes up every month. We made an appointment with Dr H at Kloof fertility center for the 9 June 2011 and we where very excited to find the problem and sort it out once and for all.


At the appointment Dr.H did a ultrasound which proved what i was semi expecting that i have Black Pearls(cyst) around both my ovaries and was advised to to a laprascopy and a hystoscopy and ovarian drilling.


I was devastated at the news-DH was send for an SA and we would get the results in two weeks time. The Opt was scheduled on the 19 June 2011 and i was so scared. 


We did the op and it was not so bad as i expected it, and the news was good that all which must be in place is in place and in working order no evidence of endo.
Two week later we went for our Follow up appointment and it was devastating news all over again.


DH got his SA results back and his count was very low 100 000. Dr.H advised us that our only option is ICSI and that our success rate is between 60-70% and gave us a quote of R30 000.


We where shocked we didn't have R30 000 laying around spare, and knew if we would manage to get the money that we would only be able to do one cycle.

To my chock our Doctor...informed me that with my chances , he would rather suggest i buy a new car than try and get a baby. Heart shatters into pieces there.


We contemplated on all our options and this is where we started to Google.

My Mom Suggested Goverment Hospital.

I phoned the Steve Biko Government hospital and was graved a appointment three months later and was told that DH have to start stamina grow. Yay we had a plan. We met with a lovely Dr. Singe and must say we loved her compassion and determination from the start. 


At the appointment DH did another SA and the results was better-800 000. It was the best feeling ever to know that thing was improving slowly but surely.


Dr Sing gave us the option to do long or short protocol cycle.


Long protocol
Price- R22000
High stimulation of the ovaries


Short protocol
Price-R8000.00
Low stimulation of the ovaries


We asked her what protocol we must do and she said we must try the short protocol because i had ovarian drilling........we where so ecstatic.


 Hopefully starting our first ICSI in August 2011. Almost a year since we first started seeking help.


7 years of trying ....let the fun and games begin.

Love 

Me

Road to ICSI

Starting a blog to map out our road to our first ICSI.

Will post our IF road shortly....to show you how we got here.

I am 29 years old with mild PCOS.
DH is 28 years with critically low sperm count and all the rest.

We hopefully will start our first ICSI in August 2011 

Here i want to share all my happiness and all my heartache(and there is allot) with everybody.

God knows when the time is right.