SADNESS

This past Monday was my Granddad's funeral and it was so sad but beautiful at the same time. Honoring a man that was there for all my life being the rock of the family always smiling.

On my fathers side they are ten kids all in all and my moms side there was four but to passed away. It was so nice to see the family again, some i did not even recognized because i saw some of then twelfth years ago.

Even at the funeral i did not forget our ttc road that we are walking  because i was surrounded by family that was asking when are we starting our own family and cousins that have babies that are way younger then me.......i'm turning the big 30 this year and i cant say that i am looking forward to it. 30 and have never been even near pregnant.....i feel like half a person not complete in my own skin.

After the funeral we were saying goodbye to some om the family when one of my aunts was hugging me she whispered  into my ear " OUR FAMILY IS NOW ONE PERSON SHORT, ITS UP TO YOU TO FILL THAT SPACE WITH A BABY" i know that she was not trying to hurt me but to encourage me, but that words cut through my heart like a warm knife through butter.......every day i realize more and more how deep this longing for a child of our own scares run into my heart.

I am working towards our goal of starting our own family, i just need to be patient and trust in GOD that he has laid out my path for me long before i was even born.

Trust in God.

A SAD DAY TODAY!!!!

I am so very sad today because we lost our last Granddad today.
I know he was suffering and i know that he is pain free now safely in Gods paradise, but the sadness is still there and does not go away easy.

Granddad we will miss you dearly, thank you for always being there for us.

We Love you and may you rest in peace.

THE UPS AND DOWNS OF INFERTILITY!!!!!!!!!!

It's amazing to see how my moods change from happy to sad from hopeful to doubtful in a couple of minutes. One moment i would be hopeful and think that i must just relax and that our time will come and very soon i will look back at the time i spend crying and laugh about it. And then in a question of a couple om minutes i am doubtful again and the are thinking that we would never have a baby of our own.

I must really start to learn how to control my moods, im pushing the people that care about me away from me and i know it but sometimes i cant even help it.


My prayer for today.


God grant me the power to fight the demons that make me doubtful and trying to turn me away from you.
I know you will bless us with our own little baby when the time is right......Help me to have the patients to wait till the time is right and the will to carry on.


God make my marriage strong to survive the woes of going through infertility.


God keep us in your hand and walk with us this path.


Amen 

WHEN ALL THE HEARTACHE STARTED!!!!!!

This might sound weird but i knew from a young age that i would struggle to conceive. My mother reminded me the other day that i use to tell her that i will struggle to have a baby........i kinda forgot that i use to say that.....i think the inner me know something was wrong in my body.

Hubby never wanted kids.....to get him on board was a struggle it self,,,,.


In 2010 we decided to seek help after many failed attempts and getting hopes up every month. We made an appointment with Dr H at Kloof fertility center for the 9 June 2011 and we where very excited to find the problem and sort it out once and for all.


At the appointment Dr.H did a ultrasound which proved what i was semi expecting that i have Black Pearls(cyst) around both my ovaries and was advised to to a laprascopy and a hystoscopy and ovarian drilling.


I was devastated at the news-DH was send for an SA and we would get the results in two weeks time. The Opt was scheduled on the 19 June 2011 and i was so scared. 


We did the op and it was not so bad as i expected it, and the news was good that all which must be in place is in place and in working order no evidence of endo.
Two week later we went for our Follow up appointment and it was devastating news all over again.


DH got his SA results back and his count was very low 100 000. Dr.H advised us that our only option is ICSI and that our success rate is between 60-70% and gave us a quote of R30 000.


We where shocked we didn't have R30 000 laying around spare, and knew if we would manage to get the money that we would only be able to do one cycle.

To my chock our Doctor...informed me that with my chances , he would rather suggest i buy a new car than try and get a baby. Heart shatters into pieces there.


We contemplated on all our options and this is where we started to Google.

My Mom Suggested Goverment Hospital.

I phoned the Steve Biko Government hospital and was graved a appointment three months later and was told that DH have to start stamina grow. Yay we had a plan. We met with a lovely Dr. Singe and must say we loved her compassion and determination from the start. 


At the appointment DH did another SA and the results was better-800 000. It was the best feeling ever to know that thing was improving slowly but surely.


Dr Sing gave us the option to do long or short protocol cycle.


Long protocol
Price- R22000
High stimulation of the ovaries


Short protocol
Price-R8000.00
Low stimulation of the ovaries


We asked her what protocol we must do and she said we must try the short protocol because i had ovarian drilling........we where so ecstatic.


 Hopefully starting our first ICSI in August 2011. Almost a year since we first started seeking help.


7 years of trying ....let the fun and games begin.

Love 

Me

Road to ICSI

Starting a blog to map out our road to our first ICSI.

Will post our IF road shortly....to show you how we got here.

I am 29 years old with mild PCOS.
DH is 28 years with critically low sperm count and all the rest.

We hopefully will start our first ICSI in August 2011 

Here i want to share all my happiness and all my heartache(and there is allot) with everybody.

God knows when the time is right.