Monday 21 November 2011

Happy vs Sad

Yesterday my Brother and Sister in law informed me they are expecting.........WOW what mixed emotions did i not have......'m barely over the shock of my dads news and then this.

Don't get me wrong i'm very happy for them and i know they would be the best parents any child can ask for.
They deserve it ...they have always supported me and been there for us and i want to do the same for them.

I'm bitter not for them falling pregnant so easily but bitter at life for letting me struggle and go through all this heartache for some reason unknown to me. I also want to do a test and see two stripes indicating its positive. I want to phone the family and suprize them with the news that we expecting. Instead i have the dreadful two weeks that will rob me of my sanity waiting for a test result to say yes the invitro worked or no it did not worked.

I'm so afraid that i will not be strong to survive the invitro the disappointing that goes with it. I'm bitter at what this is doing to my family .......my mom is suppose to be happy her first grandchild is on its way but instead she does not know how to feel because of my situation. I am in such a dark hole and i am pulling my family with me.

I don't want to rob my Brother and sister in law of this special and wonderful gift that they have received over my own bitterness towards life and towards God.

I just hope that they will understand that i might not be so active in there pregnancy then what i want to be.....but this is the only way i know how to protect  my heart against any more heartache.

I promise to try and be strong and not to show my hurt to them.....i want to rejoice in the happy time with them......i want to be there when they need me......but i don't know how.

If only i could see in the future and know that my time will come and that i will carry my bundle of joy very soon......then i would be able to let go of all this anger that is like a black liquid taking over every part of my body.

In the end i am only human and i can try my best.

Congratulation to my brother and sister in law my u have the best pregnancy ever.

I love u both deeply.

Friday 18 November 2011

Getting over the shock!!!!

So since my last blog post allot has happened.

The good news is i have lost a a few kg so far and i am feeling healthy and energetic.

Not so so long ago we found out that i am getting a new half brother or sister.....witch just devastated me for so many reasons. My dad who is 53 and his fiance who is 49 is having a baby. I must admit that i took the news much better than i thought i would.....with that statement u can see that i did expect something like this to happen for certain  reasons i will not mention here...due to this being a public blog.

I first was crushed to think that i'm not even 30 and struggling so long to have a child of our own and there somebody that have children her childbearing years is over and she just goes and falls pregnant.
Why must life be so unfair.....well i'm trying to focus more on our up and coming cycle then on the hurt i feel now..........i think it will starting hurting more when she starts showing.....witch i think ill must just make my visits less to my fathers house.......to protect my own feelings.

Life is unfair and I need to accept it......

I went to our FS yesterday for a sonar.....ho i hate that magic wand lol.....and we saw i had a 7cm cyst...she put me on provera for 5 days to see if it clears up the cyst and then we gonna start our meds for our first ivf in January.  If the cysts does not clear up we gonna do a ovarian aspiration on Friday and yes it sound sore is i heard it is.......yikes.......but ill do anything.

On the up side i must say i have  family that support me so much that i know this will be a success  and that i will have my own lil baby very soon.

And we going on a nice vacation in December that will make me all relaxed for January.

So this is a Early MERRY XMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR to all.

I am saying a little prayer for every couple that battles infertility.........be strong u are not alone.

all my love

cecilia