The Silent Prayer of a Childless Woman by: Jen Lehmann Wittum

The Silent Prayer of a Childless Woman
alternate title "The Silent Sorrow of a Childless Woman" * To the rest of the world she seems like everyone else. She gets up in the morning, drinks her coffee and goes to work. She smiles and treats people with respect. Little does the world know that inside, where no one can see, she feels dead. She feels that she’s missing out, that something is wrong with her, that maybe she is less of a woman than her friends and colleagues. Why does this woman feel that way? Because, she is a woman, yet she is unable to have a child. The one thing that most women take for granted, this woman would do anything to be able to do. * She cries as she prays. Why God, Why? “Why me” she wonders. For as long as she can remember she’s wanted to be a mom. To hear the pitter patter of tiny feet getting out of bed in the morning. To hear the little voices calling for mommy. To kiss the inevitable skinned knees. To love a tiny human. Yet, no matter the tests, the prayers, the tears, she is unable to have a child. * Her biggest question is WHY? Why can’t she have a child? Why is she barren when she hears on the news about the woman who allowed her boyfriend to abuse and kill her child. Why was that woman allowed to have a child when she can’t? She sees the woman who drags her child thru the store, feet barely touching the floor, sobbing as his mommy yells because she’s not wanting a child, why was she allowed to have a child. She sees the teenager who didn’t even want to be a mom, not even try, but she got pregnant anyway. Her heart aches each time she hears about someone else getting pregnant. She asks God “why Lord, why not me??? When is it my turn to be a mom??” * Yet, each morning she gets up and goes to work, acting like nothing is wrong. * She has seen and heard the habitual welfare moms, talking and joking about having another child and being glad as they’ll get more assistance. She hears the teenager laughing about being pregnant, saying that her mom will take care of the baby. She hears the complaints of the lady in the line ahead of her with two kids and one on the way about how tired she is of being pregnant. She hears it all in silence. All the while yearning to have a child of her own. The world doesn’t see, yet inside, behind the smile, she is silently crying. Arguing with God. Wondering what she has done in her life that is so bad that now as an adult, with a heart full of love, she cannot have a child of her own. * She has been to the doctors. She has had the tests. Yet there is still no answer as to why. She gets the questions from well-meaning people asking when she is going to have a child. People asking why she’s waited so long to have children. People mean well, but they don’t look past the pat answers. They give the same answers “all in God’s time” or the best one “why don’t you just adopt? You know as soon as you do you’ll get pregnant.” * She shows the world her smile, her strength, yet in her heart she lives in sadness. A silent prison. One that seems to have no escape. Do you know this woman? Do you know her pain? I bet you do. There are more of these women in this world than people know. She is me. She could be the woman that was in front of you at the grocery store. Or maybe the one that was pumping gas beside you yesterday. Don’t worry, she doesn’t hate you, in fact, if you’re her best friend she loves you. Yet, she still hurts. She hurts because she can’t join the mommy club with you. She hurts because that one most basic tenant of being a woman is denied to her. She is happy for her friends, family and colleagues, yet she hurts and smiles to the world to keep that hurt hidden. She hurts and wonders “why?”

HOW TO FEEL??

So my dad is expecting a little girl and my brother a little boy and me ...........how do i feel......i feel blank....empty dark and just so so sad.

Its not that i'm not happy for them i just don't know how to feel.....its hard to smile when u in a deep dark hole where u feel u don't have anything to smile about.

Why do i have to feel like this?
Why do i have such a urge to have a baby of our own?
Why cant i just stop feeling?

Infertility is a real faith testing experience......i found myself wondering a couple of times about why is God testing me why is God hating me so much to bring so much heartache into our life.

I don't have the answers to my questions and nor do i think i ever will but i like to think that God is preparing me for bigger and better things in life.

I'm truly trying to stay faithful

So i just have another six months to go till there babies are born....six months to go by pretending i.m happy and i3m okay..

1. finding out they are pregnant - done and still alive
2. finding out the sex of the babies- done and still alive
3. the baby showers-scared to death.

My heart is bleeding and i don't know how to repair it.

WAITING FOR MY TIME TO COME