MENTALLY DRAINED

Its amazing how i can feel happy and comfortable the one minute.......and mentally drained the next.

I know i hurt the people around me........they don't know where they stand with me...i know i have mastered the EVIL NASTY element in me to the extreme. Sorry does not always correct my mistakes.......i just hope that all who care would understand that i cant control how i feel and how i express it.

My sorry's are Sincere........thou it does not often looks like it.

So many issues to sort out and don't know where to start. Trying to take one day at a time, blocking out all that is negative in my life.

One thing i have learned is that when bad luck follows u ..........its hard to escape the grip it holds on u.
Trying to think positive thoughts is always not easy, when i'm a realist. I constantly are looking for the bad before i see the good............plans never work out...always expecting the worst. I am the master of overthinking.

How do i change my mind set.......how do i switch of something when i don't know where the switch is.

Is it because im turning 30 that i'm feeling so depressed....... because i feel like half a woman.......or because i know there is missing something in my life and i cant just fix it.

So many unanswered questions....so many doubts.

Y me Y do these things have to happen to me?
Am i being punished for something i did?
I'm i not worthy of being happy?
Am i expecting to much out of life?

Does the fairy tale ending really exist?

Does true love exist?

How do i close a book on a dream and live the life that was planned for me thou its not what i wanted.

Sometimes i wonder is it all worth this much pain.........

Time to try and live and not go so much into the dark place in my mind that is pulling me down over and over again.

I want to be happy......

MOVING THE INVITRO TO A LATER DATE-EARLY NEXT YEAR!!!!!!

Me and hubby had a chat and decided that we are both not financially and emotionly ready for the invitro.
We are under a lot of stress at work and don't want to start the invitro  as well as our relationship is not strong to handle all the stress that invitro brings. We are constantly in each others hair.

We decided to give us self three months to relax and not think about having a child of our own and just try and enjoy our self till the end of the year then we would have saved enough to do two invitros back to back.

Im in two mind about our this.......on the one side i am happy to just feel like a normal person having fun and not worried about when im ovulating waiting for a period that takes forever to come but come it does....the flicker of hope the anticipation and then the heartache at the end of the day having to hide my sadness not to show ppl how weak i really am and to stay strong.

In the other mind i feel so guilty for moving the invitro to a later date.....i want to be a mother so bad but just can't handle all the stress of the invitro now.

Being an infertile is really not for the weak people.

Im trying to relax and not fall into a depression that im so scared that i would not be able to get out off.

Im taking each day as it comes some days are good some days are bad and some days i just cant seem to find any hope or joy in my life.

Im trying to leave my mind blank of any baby related topics or visits to family and friend that is very children orientated, its not that i don't want to see them its more that i don't want to put on a fake smile and be happy while my heart is in pieces .People dont always consider what we are going through so why must i be the one that must pretend that all is jolly go happy. We don't want useless hints of what to do and what not to do.........for heavens sake we are at a  professional   infertility doctor.....what advise can u give us that would help us that she has not given us......We just gonna try to fill my self up with things and people that make me happy and helps me to forget where i am now at the moment in my life.

We are very grateful for our family and friends that understand our pain and sorrow and respect our time off ..........we have the utter most respect for u people and you all know who u are..........

Let me be where i am now i am in my own happy place....................................