Monday 30 January 2012

TODAY IS ONE OF THOSE DAYS!!!

Today is one of those days that i want to just want to pack up and leave and go so far where nobody know me...this canceled cycle is hitting me more hard than what i would have thought.

Waiting now for April to start our next cycle is torture......not doing anything just waiting is driving me crazy.

Its so hard coping with all these negative feelings...i don't have energy for anything..i feel drained  physically and emotionally. MY SPIRIT IS BROKEN. MY HEART IS BLACK.

i sometimes question why bad shit always happens to me, im i getting punished for something i did....
Sexual molestation, physical abuse, emotional abuse, infertility.....when will i find my happiness....my place of calmness my true love my happy ever after....yes suicide have crossed my mind a few times....there is only so much one person can handle....but then i think of my baby brother and i know if i did anything right in my life it was looking after him. 

I really hope my family understands..that me not going to them so much have nothing to do with them but more with me and my inner demons....i try to stay positive and look towards the future but there is this nagging feeling that nothing is ever going to go right.....family events is like a huge mountain in front of me....i would rather not try and clime it because the fall is so much harder and standing up is even worst.

Yesterday i just cried and cried and cried....hoping that i would feel much better but it does not work like that for me.....i'm sad, angry, feeling sorry for myself, and i hate feeling like this.

Tomorrow is another day tomorrow i will feel better.....some days it does other days its worst.

I need to get out of this dark place....

I'm counting now my days, wishing the time away till our next cycle.....i need to focus on the time ahead of us coz now i'm just there no emotions.....an empty shell walking around.

I'm waiting for God to entrust us with a wonder baby.

Jeremiah 29:11


for i know the plans i have for you," declares the LORD," plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give u hope and a future.

I'm i'm leaving everything in God's hands.......i will do what i can from my side but in the end its God's will.

Monday 23 January 2012

Devestation as first ICSI cycle is cancelled!!!!

I'm totally heart broken.....my follicles stopped growing at 10mm thou i was on double dose menopur.

It felt like i was hit with a brick in the face....i did not know my body has so many tears....i cant stop crying.

Basically the short protocol low stimulation is not the right cycle for us. We are advise to do high stimulation long protocol for our next cycle but the catch is it cost roughly about R23 000. I'm honest...we don't have that kind of cash laying around, so it broke my heart to think we wont be able to do the cycle.

My mom is an angel....she is giving me R17 000 to do our next cycle and it just broke me to think that she loves me so much that she would do this for me.

Me and my Husband we are at War....i wants to me to give up ....he never really wanted this.....i cant give up on my dream.

All we do is save save save.....a failed or cancel cycle is not just sad because the chance of having my own bundle of joy is not happening its the fact that we are lost our saving and have to start from scratch to get to my dream.

I know we must not ask why...but i cant help it. Why must we struggle like this why do other people get it so easy and don't appreciated it and us that are longing for a family needs to struggle our asses off.

I thought that today i will feel better and today i will be positive ......we got the money to do another cycle so why am i still so bitter and angry i am truly starting to hate myself for who i have become.

The answer is i'm tired..... emotionally and bodily i'm tired and i need energy and renewed hope to start again .And that is going to time time......

I take my hat of for these ladies that goes through miscarriage, failed cycles, cancelled cycles.

So the new POA

Going to try  prepare mentally for the next cycle and then waiting for AF that hopefully will arrive before 8 Feb then we will be starting the next cycle.

But for now i need time to heal.

An interfiles life is never easy.

Never take things , people experience for granted...life is short we never know what will happen tomorrow. 

Wednesday 18 January 2012

Scan update for today.

17 follicles and they are +- 10mm and doing a US on Friday again and if all is well then we will do the ER on Monday or Tuesday....Keeping my fingers crossed for nice size follicles.

FS was happy with everything but somehow i felt like i failed like my body is fighting against me and was in tears on our way home the amount of tears and hurt my baby brother had to endure with me breaks my heart even more.  I Want everything just to be perfect and i know its not in my hand but in God's hands.

Here is to me trying to be more patiently.......and not stressing so much about thing i can't control.

Will update on Friday of the follicles growth.

Grow follies Grow.

Monday 16 January 2012

In process

Sjoe where to start....had this weeks meds and injections and it was not as bad as i thought it would be.....i do feel like a druggie with the mixing and injecting the Menopur but im loving it...its good to feel that i am are starting the process and thing is starting to happen.

I had some mild side effects from the medication:

1.  Headaches that come and go...nothing i cant control.
2.  Flu like symptoms(was so scared it was the flu but it is luckily not)
3.  Very emotional(then not a good idea to watch EXPECTING A MIRACLE) 

We doing our fist scan Wednesday and i must say i'm so nervous....hoping for good follies with some great eggs.

So far im handling the whole experience very well.....

I lost a lot of weight due to stress and feel bit weak but will get back to my old self 

Will update on Wednesday.........keep fingers crossed.

Tuesday 3 January 2012

The time has finally come.

I am so super excited to start our ICSI and ready to get the ball rolling.

Om the 19 December my  birthday  i started om femodene to regulate my period...and since then i had non stop spotting for the past 15 days. I was a lil worried but consulted dr Google and it seems that its common and won't have any negative effect on our cycle.

Im gonna stop drinking the Femodene on the 7th then we starting our cycle.

I'm so emotional and excited 'm praying for a positive outcome.

Lord i know we have done all we could to prepare ourselves for this child that only u can create and we know the rest is all in you hands.

Lord make us strong to handle what ever u see fit to bring into our lifes.

Thank you lord for teaching us the importance of believing and hope and faith in u.

We are strong and we will be rewarded.

Here is to a positive outcome this cycle.