Yesterday my Brother and Sister in law informed me they are expecting.........WOW what mixed emotions did i not have......'m barely over the shock of my dads news and then this.
Don't get me wrong i'm very happy for them and i know they would be the best parents any child can ask for.
They deserve it ...they have always supported me and been there for us and i want to do the same for them.
I'm bitter not for them falling pregnant so easily but bitter at life for letting me struggle and go through all this heartache for some reason unknown to me. I also want to do a test and see two stripes indicating its positive. I want to phone the family and suprize them with the news that we expecting. Instead i have the dreadful two weeks that will rob me of my sanity waiting for a test result to say yes the invitro worked or no it did not worked.
I'm so afraid that i will not be strong to survive the invitro the disappointing that goes with it. I'm bitter at what this is doing to my family .......my mom is suppose to be happy her first grandchild is on its way but instead she does not know how to feel because of my situation. I am in such a dark hole and i am pulling my family with me.
I don't want to rob my Brother and sister in law of this special and wonderful gift that they have received over my own bitterness towards life and towards God.
I just hope that they will understand that i might not be so active in there pregnancy then what i want to be.....but this is the only way i know how to protect my heart against any more heartache.
I promise to try and be strong and not to show my hurt to them.....i want to rejoice in the happy time with them......i want to be there when they need me......but i don't know how.
If only i could see in the future and know that my time will come and that i will carry my bundle of joy very soon......then i would be able to let go of all this anger that is like a black liquid taking over every part of my body.
In the end i am only human and i can try my best.
Congratulation to my brother and sister in law my u have the best pregnancy ever.
I love u both deeply.
I know how you feel... on the 13th November, my sister informed me that she was pg with her 2nd child. This happened 2 days before we got onto the adoption list (kind of like being pg, you just don't know how long for!), so they managed to steal away the only big announcement we have been able to make in our ttc journey so far (5.5 years and counting!). When they fell pg with their first child, we had been ttc for 2 years already and had had one failed IVF, I didn't speak to my sister for the entire pg, my heart was too broken...we were supposed to give my parents their first grandchild. The fact that I was overseas made it a bit easier, as I didn't have to see her all the time but, this time, I know I am going to struggle (I am back in SA now). All you can do is try your best, unfortunately those who haven't been through this, don't always understand or don't understand at all and so they think we're just being selfish or immature when we can't hide our hurt. We know differently though...that's why we blog (to air our true feelings somewhere) and why we go on forums....our friends in the computer are the only ones who can truly understand us!
ReplyDeleteWishing you and hubby a relaxing festive season and the best start to 2012 EVER!!
Bok x www.mummyinwaiting.wordpress.com